I am finding it hard to accept the fact that i now have to be a 'people person'.
Not that I have anything against rubbing elbows with complete morons. Oops. I meant strangers. It's just that sometimes, it's very very hard to smile when you'd like to smirk, hard to say 'thank you' when you want to rip the person's limbs off so that even if that person lives, s/he won't be able to walk and torture normal people again, hard to remain calm when you are experiencing a thinly veiled anxiety attack.
Would you like to meet the people in my neighborhood?
1. The Cary Grants
These people do not walk. They swagger. I didn't know anybody swaggered anymore.
Once he is seated, he looks you over, makes you feel like a three-day leftover that's turning an undeniable pukish-green shade. while you're speaking, he nods lazily and scoffs at the phrase 'will assess your language competencies." You shiver ever so slightly, thinking about the hangover that you cultivated from watching crapola all night long. You believe that you're not up to this, erm,challenge.
He speaks. "Ay am a loan opiser in da bank ober der at da batangas. Ay am interested because op the big salary ...layk dat."
You try to hold on to the table. You are very afraid that you might fall over and lose all control.
Not that I have anything against rubbing elbows with complete morons. Oops. I meant strangers. It's just that sometimes, it's very very hard to smile when you'd like to smirk, hard to say 'thank you' when you want to rip the person's limbs off so that even if that person lives, s/he won't be able to walk and torture normal people again, hard to remain calm when you are experiencing a thinly veiled anxiety attack.
Would you like to meet the people in my neighborhood?
1. The Cary Grants
These people do not walk. They swagger. I didn't know anybody swaggered anymore.
Once he is seated, he looks you over, makes you feel like a three-day leftover that's turning an undeniable pukish-green shade. while you're speaking, he nods lazily and scoffs at the phrase 'will assess your language competencies." You shiver ever so slightly, thinking about the hangover that you cultivated from watching crapola all night long. You believe that you're not up to this, erm,challenge.
He speaks. "Ay am a loan opiser in da bank ober der at da batangas. Ay am interested because op the big salary ...layk dat."
You try to hold on to the table. You are very afraid that you might fall over and lose all control.
Because in this business, the motto is "Lose control,lose your job."
2. The Ghost of Lord Likethat
'Round here, we believe that there was once a person named Lord Likethat. We can only surmise that he was very attractive and died of syphillis.There were people then who considered him a saint. We believe this because everyday, we encounter followers of this alleged Lord.
They express their complete devotion by attaching the phrase "like that" to everything they utter.
Some samples- " Communications, like that.""Because of the compensation like that." "To improve my speak English like that." "To earn money por my brather like dat.""To be veter ferzon like that"
And the worshipping goes on till this day.
3. Nikitas
These are mostly women who spill their sob stories all over your hands. The stories would vary but usually it would involve men who tend to have uncanny similarities to our Cary Grants.They'd cry so hard you'd feel guilty.You'd like to turn girlfriend and wear those rollers and smoke like a schoolgirl but you can't.
And after the interview, you hand them over a letter that says they're not qualified because they just sound so danged Filipino.
At the rate I'm going, I'll be stuck in limbo forever.
4. Pips
I am not and never will tag myself as a feminist. I know that women are not the only ones who have first dibbs on sob stories.
I have met Pips from various versions of the Dickens' novel, Great Expectations.There are Pips who are bent on proving that they're worth something to a rich girl. Or sons who were left by fathers or mothers. Big sobbing men left by their wives.
And again, the proverbial 'regret' letter.
2. The Ghost of Lord Likethat
'Round here, we believe that there was once a person named Lord Likethat. We can only surmise that he was very attractive and died of syphillis.There were people then who considered him a saint. We believe this because everyday, we encounter followers of this alleged Lord.
They express their complete devotion by attaching the phrase "like that" to everything they utter.
Some samples- " Communications, like that.""Because of the compensation like that." "To improve my speak English like that." "To earn money por my brather like dat.""To be veter ferzon like that"
And the worshipping goes on till this day.
3. Nikitas
These are mostly women who spill their sob stories all over your hands. The stories would vary but usually it would involve men who tend to have uncanny similarities to our Cary Grants.They'd cry so hard you'd feel guilty.You'd like to turn girlfriend and wear those rollers and smoke like a schoolgirl but you can't.
And after the interview, you hand them over a letter that says they're not qualified because they just sound so danged Filipino.
At the rate I'm going, I'll be stuck in limbo forever.
4. Pips
I am not and never will tag myself as a feminist. I know that women are not the only ones who have first dibbs on sob stories.
I have met Pips from various versions of the Dickens' novel, Great Expectations.There are Pips who are bent on proving that they're worth something to a rich girl. Or sons who were left by fathers or mothers. Big sobbing men left by their wives.
And again, the proverbial 'regret' letter.
The poor and unhappy are, indeed, very much alive.
I never was much of a saviour anyway.
5. The Damning Droners
These people take the cake. Hands down. Give them the slightest bit of encouragement and they will... not... stop...talking...
They start off their introductions like normal people. Then you notice that their fillers are getting more, well, frequent. Then they line up their qualities and achievements for your perusal and inspection. But because of the atrocious preposition usage, they might as well have been speaking Czech.
And you're so far off by the time they're done that when they tell you that they're done talking, you have completely forgotten the questions you were supposed to ask.
Nice strategy, yes?
6. Serial Killers
Again, they look absolutely normal. Collared shirts, jeans.
I now consider myself their confidante, their Freudian friend.
Like today, for example. It was a simple question regarding teamwork. Sometimes, that is all it takes to let these psychos out of their cages.
The person's reply? "It is hard to work when the brain is scattered."
The horror! The horror! The horror!
7. Pantomimes
Smile. Wave. Shake head. Bend head. Frown. Stutter.Shake head. Stutter some more.Go out the door.
8. Pinocchios
They lie to get in. Bad news is, they're not good liars.
a."I want to werk hir so dat i can imrub my kommunikashun skeels."
"Let's say that after a year, you did manage to attain your goal. What then?"
"Nathing."
b. "I believe that if I can work here, I can be a good person."
"Are you saying that you're not a good person now?"
"Nathing."
9. The Hot Starters
Three words: You just know.
The minute they open their mouths, you know that you can breathe easy. There are some who are not as impeccably correct as a handful of others are but they usually can sell themselves without a cinch so that's a go.
Hot Starters are the hardest ones to come along so, with the maniacal downpour of the first eight, imagine the hysteria that I am striving to conceal now.
Which finalizes my theory that there were call centers during the time of Poe and Conrad. The parallelisms are just too uncanny.
5. The Damning Droners
These people take the cake. Hands down. Give them the slightest bit of encouragement and they will... not... stop...talking...
They start off their introductions like normal people. Then you notice that their fillers are getting more, well, frequent. Then they line up their qualities and achievements for your perusal and inspection. But because of the atrocious preposition usage, they might as well have been speaking Czech.
And you're so far off by the time they're done that when they tell you that they're done talking, you have completely forgotten the questions you were supposed to ask.
Nice strategy, yes?
6. Serial Killers
Again, they look absolutely normal. Collared shirts, jeans.
I now consider myself their confidante, their Freudian friend.
Like today, for example. It was a simple question regarding teamwork. Sometimes, that is all it takes to let these psychos out of their cages.
The person's reply? "It is hard to work when the brain is scattered."
The horror! The horror! The horror!
7. Pantomimes
Smile. Wave. Shake head. Bend head. Frown. Stutter.Shake head. Stutter some more.Go out the door.
8. Pinocchios
They lie to get in. Bad news is, they're not good liars.
a."I want to werk hir so dat i can imrub my kommunikashun skeels."
"Let's say that after a year, you did manage to attain your goal. What then?"
"Nathing."
b. "I believe that if I can work here, I can be a good person."
"Are you saying that you're not a good person now?"
"Nathing."
9. The Hot Starters
Three words: You just know.
The minute they open their mouths, you know that you can breathe easy. There are some who are not as impeccably correct as a handful of others are but they usually can sell themselves without a cinch so that's a go.
Hot Starters are the hardest ones to come along so, with the maniacal downpour of the first eight, imagine the hysteria that I am striving to conceal now.
Which finalizes my theory that there were call centers during the time of Poe and Conrad. The parallelisms are just too uncanny.
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